WASHINGTON—Federal timekeepers confirmed Friday that mandatory national clocks fall back procedures will plunge the country into the Dark Ages this Sunday morning. Citizens across all fifty states must set their microwave displays back one hour. They must also prepare for immediate serfdom, agrarian subsistence, and bubonic plague.
A Seamless Transition To Feudalism
Department of Transportation officials assured the public that the time warp will remain fully compliant with federal standards. Sunlight will now vanish entirely by 3:15 p.m. local time. Standard municipal streetlights will be replaced with pitch-burning torches by dawn.
"We adjusted the temporal grid to maximize psychological discomfort," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. Periwinkle assisted federal planners with the nationwide transition. "Losing one hour of afternoon twilight triggers optimal despair. Our metrics show that citizens are 40 percent more manageable when they believe a dragon ate the sun."
Economic Impacts On Local Serfs
Economists expect minor disruptions as local businesses adjust to barter systems. Wall Street traders plan to exchange tech stocks for sacks of rye. The Department of Labor warned workers that overtime pay will now take the form of turnip allotments.
"I set my analog watch back sixty minutes," said local blacksmith Arthur Pendelton, holding an iron horseshoe over an open anvil. "Suddenly my smart thermostat requested a blood sacrifice to ward off winter spirits. The system works as intended."
Experts Advise Extra Sleep
Medical professionals urged Americans to use the extra hour productively. Most doctors recommend spending the additional sixty minutes shivering beneath coarse wool blankets. Health officials noted that extra sleep will help citizens endure upcoming mud outbreaks.
At press time, federal officials reminded citizens that when clocks fall back, mandatory public flogging schedules will shift ahead by twenty minutes.
