Music
J. Cole Disgusted by Beef Aftermath, Demands Duel Etiquette Be Restored
J. Cole disgusted by the recent rap beef’s descent into ‘politics,’ demands a return to gentlemanly diss tracks and formal dueling protocols.
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Music
Earl Sweatshirt and MIKE Announce Tour Dates, May Bring Back Actual Pompeii
Earl Sweatshirt and MIKE announced Australian tour dates for their upcoming album POMPEII // UTILITY. Fans speculate about historical reenactments.
Music
J. Cole ‘Disgusted’ By ‘Whole Campaign’ Of People Enjoying His Music
J. Cole is ‘disgusted’ by the ‘whole campaign’ against his music, claiming fans are unfairly targeting him. He vows to expose critics.
Music
Courtney Love Comes Around On Geese, Calls Them ‘My Boys’
Singer embraces band after initially questioning their ‘gatekeeping elder millennial troll fans’.
Music
Kacey Musgraves Dressed As Ronnie Dunn, Unearths Troubling Multiverse Theories
Kacey Musgraves, dressed as Ronnie Dunn, baffled physicists with a surprise Brooks & Dunn cover, prompting concerns about the stability of the known universe
Music
Vines Covers Sufjan Stevens, Proves His Songs Are Way Too Sad
Vines’ new EP features covers of Frank Ocean, Sufjan Stevens, and more, proving that familiar songs can be made much, much worse.
Music
Spaceport’s ‘Sugar Moon’ Album Causes Existential Dread
Spaceport’s ‘Sugar Moon’ album is making listeners question reality. The indie-pop band’s new release is causing existential dread.
Music
Thom Yorke Will Release A New Solo Album This Year, Reportedly Under Duress
Thom Yorke Will Release A New Solo Album This Year, forced by contract. Record label seeks to harvest ‘melodic despair’ annually. Fans brace for new sounds.
Music
Yeat’s New Album ADL Unites Unlikely Legends
Yeat’s new album ADL (A Dangerous Lyfe / A Dangerous Love) features Elton John, Grimes, and Kylie Jenner, promising to shock the music world.
World
California Students Grapple With Cesar Chavez’s Fall From Grace
California schools face a reckoning as educators revise lesson plans on Cesar Chavez following abuse allegations. The fall of a hero sparks difficult conversations.
Music
Afghan Whigs Celebrate 40 Years of Unwavering Gloom with New Single
The Afghan Whigs released ‘House of I,’ their first new single in four years, ahead of their 40th-anniversary tour, promising consistent, undiluted melancholy.
Music
SEC Ceases Faraday Future Investigation, Citing ‘Extreme Boredom’
The SEC officially dropped its Faraday Future investigation, admitting the four-year probe yielded less evidence than a cat chasing a laser pointer. Regulators just gave up.
Music
Mole Trapping Photos Spark Outrage, Local Farmer Offers ‘Educational’ Exhibition
Mole trapping photos of deceased rodents on a barbed wire fence ignited a fierce online debate, with viewers split between rural tradition and digital outrage.
Music
Chappell Roan’s Security Denies Hating *All* Children, Clarifies Specific Preferences
Chappell Roan’s security team clarifies it does not hate *all* children, only those meeting specific height, scream, and movement criteria. New protocols unveiled.
Music
Harry Styles’ Disco Reign Blocks Sun, Causes Perpetual Groove
Harry Styles’ Disco Reign extends to cosmic proportions. His latest album causes global rhythm shifts, alters wildlife, and forces world leaders onto roller skates.
Music
Island Becomes Ferret-Free, Residents Grapple With Sudden Onset of Peace
Cragglethorpe Island declares itself ferret-free, thanks to Woody the wonderdog, but residents and the local economy struggle with unexpected peace.
Music
Justin Timberlake Arrest Video Shows Star Worried About Missing Gherkin
The Justin Timberlake Arrest Video reveals the pop star was more concerned about a misplaced gherkin than his career or legal troubles, baffling fans.
Music
Chappell Roan: “I Do Not Hate Children” (But Prefers They Remain Unseen)
Chappell Roan issued a firm statement, “I Do Not Hate Children,” attempting to clarify her stance after an incident at Lollapalooza Brazil. She merely prefers adults.