TO: All Staff
FROM: Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta
RE: Brand compliance regarding the recent Lizzo Jolene look
Management observed several employees attempting to recreate the viral Lizzo Jolene look during video calls today. While we respect country music legends, giant red wigs present a severe fire hazard near server racks. You must cease wearing velvet western wear immediately.
Immediate Wardrobe Restrictions
Lizzo rocked the iconic look for Halloween this week. She paid tribute to Dolly Parton with flawless, retro perfection. However, our IT department cannot process that much high-gloss hairspray. The fumes triggered the emergency sprinklers in Accounting twice this morning.
We understand the Lizzo Jolene look inspires immense joy across the office. Her tribute to Parton reminded us all of pure southern charm. Still, employees cannot demand that colleagues 'please don't take my man' during quarterly reviews.
Policy Enforcement and Legal Risks
"We are currently experiencing a 400% surge in unassigned tambourine solos," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "Our data shows that excessive sequins reduce workplace productivity by half. We must contain this glamour before the entire board of directors buys acoustic guitars."
Please return all borrowed banjo props to the breakroom by 5:00 PM. Failure to comply will result in mandatory HR sensitivity training regarding 1970s country pop aesthetics. Management will monitor all Slack channels for illegal lyric references.
Sincerely,
Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright
(Sent from my iPhone while secretly ordering a custom rhinestone jumpsuit for the company holiday party)
