WASHINGTON—Senior administration officials confirmed Tuesday they have finalized a strategic plan to govern without Congress using a series of elaborate, color-coded dry-erase markers. The bold strategy outlines a clear roadmap to pass sweeping federal policies while completely ignoring the legislative branch. Aides reportedly drew the initial flowchart on a stolen easel during a late-night brainstorming session.
A Streamlined Legislative Process
The new framework replaces traditional bill drafting with a series of aggressive sticky notes. Officials plan to bypass the Capitol entirely by speaking very loudly into empty rooms. "We realized lawmakers only slow down the process," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Our new blueprint bypasses the legislative gridlock by simply declaring laws out loud near a window. If nobody objects within four seconds, the policy takes effect nationwide."
White House strategists spent months studying the legal framework of the United States Congress to find every possible loophole. They eventually concluded that the easiest loophole was just changing the locks on the House chamber doors.
Bypassing The Constitution
Under the new protocol, federal agencies will receive instructions written on back-of-the-napkin memos. Executive orders will be signed using a giant novelty pen to maximize authority. The administration also plans to declare every Tuesday an national emergency to auto-approve budget requests.
"The system works much faster when you eliminate voting entirely," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, who served as a consultant on the initiative. "We tested this operational model in corporate tech startups. It usually leads to total collapse within six months, but those first five months are extremely agile."
The administration insists the move remains fully constitutional under a sharpie-drawn amendment added to a copy of the charter last night. At press time, top aides were busy erasing the Judicial Branch from the dry-erase board to make room for a lunch order menu.
