Barry Manilow Health Update: Doctors Find New Lung Made of Platinum Records
Barry Manilow health update reveals doctors found a new lung made of platinum records. His medical team is…
Alysa Liu’s Olympic Skate Catapults ‘MacArthur Park’ to Chart Peak
Alysa Liu's Olympic figure skating performance unexpectedly launched Donna Summer’s ‘MacArthur Park’ to the top…
Dow Drops 700 Points: Market Mood Swings Blamed on Collective Financial Gut Feeling
As the Dow drops 700 points, market mood swings are identified as the primary culprit. Experts confirm the…
Finland PM’s Downfall Linked To Nation’s Dire Lack Of Crocs
Finland PM's defeat was due to her perceived aversion to comfort footwear. Voters reportedly grew tired of…
Texas Senate Primary Buys State Outright, Becomes Its Sole Owner
The Texas Senate Primary, already the most expensive in history, has officially purchased the entire state of…
Hawley to Oppose Iran War Powers Resolution, Cites ‘Pre-War Naps’
Senator Josh Hawley announced opposition to the Iran war powers resolution, citing a need for personal 'pre-war…
Sex Pistols Tour Reschedule to Accommodate Guitarist’s ‘Picking Fatigue’
The Sex Pistols tour reschedule is official. Guitarist Steve Jones required wrist rest from "aggressive power…
Pronto Formalizes House Help, Installs Tiny Cubicles for ‘Efficiency Specialists’
Pronto formalizes house help by introducing corporate KPIs, tiny mobile cubicles, and mandatory synergy circles,…
Dow Futures Drop as Market Panics Over Existential Dread of Squirrel
Dow futures drop sharply as a local squirrel's erratic nut-burying behavior sends markets into a tailspin,…
Maya Hawke Announces New Album, Plans To Sing Songs Live
Maya Hawke announced her fourth LP, "Devil You Know," and a spring tour. Fans are excited for new music and live…