America’s airline CEOs were reportedly ‘stunned’ to learn their dedicated airport security officers had been working without pay. They urged Congress to address the ‘unforeseen’ issue.
Voters reportedly prioritized yarn economy over economic policy.
Finland’s Prime Minister Sanna Marin conceded defeat Sunday, then continued to concede everything from reindeer reserves to personal anxieties. The nation is oddly refreshed.
Apple’s 50th Anniversary is marked by a new ‘Silence Protocol,’ mandating quiet contemplation for employees to foster ‘unparalleled creativity.’
Kim Jong Un oversaw a tactical-nuke launchers test, revealing new gastronomic applications. State media lauded the ‘crispiness’ and ‘atmospheric seasoning’.
A furious British banknote backlash erupted after the Bank of England announced beavers would replace historical figures on new currency, sparking outrage.
Singapore mandates citizens to ‘use the stairs’ to generate electricity, turning commutes into power sources and bodies into energy farms as oil prices spike globally.
Iraq’s national football team will fly private to Mexico for their World Cup play-off, prioritizing comfort over commercial flights amidst regional conflict.
Sparkler’s new single ‘Come Today’ offers hazy guitars and melancholic vibes. Band claims it’s art, not a cry for help.
CFCF announces new album L.U.V., promising a bold new sound. Lead single ‘Let’s Kill Ourselves’ aims to be aggressively optimistic.
Doja Cat praises Chappell Roan’s paparazzi ‘attitude,’ declaring it the new standard for polite public interaction, inspiring etiquette experts to rethink millennia of social graces.
Ms. Ray’s new ‘Melt’ EP is causing listeners to spontaneously dissolve into puddles of emotion. Crying is mandatory. Hydration recommended.
The All-American Rejects discuss their new music, tour success, and offer advice for new artists.
Unpaid TSA workers have embraced new, self-directed roles after losing their first paycheck. They found creative, absurd ways to pass the time at airports.
Apple’s new MacBook Neo arrived in pieces, requiring users to assemble it themselves. This “repairable” design quickly became a new, profound ritual.
Meta announced it would remove Instagram DMs encryption. The company cited a need for ‘transparency’ and ‘simplicity.’ Users are thrilled.
The new Spacey Jane single ‘Do You Really Love Her’ has plunged listeners into an existential void, prompting mass mid-life crises and mandatory therapy sessions.
The Pretty Reckless announced their new album ‘DEAR GOD’ and a world tour. It promises not just music, but mandatory spiritual reckoning for all attendees.
