MEMORANDUM
TO: All Alphabet Inc. Engineering Staff
FROM: Sundar Pichai, Chief Executive Officer
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Progress update on our data center satellite
Team, as you know, our first data center satellite is officially operational in low Earth orbit. Last night, the unit successfully transmitted its first AI-generated poetry back to Earth. Media coverage has been extremely favorable. TechCrunch even called the launch a major milestone for space-based computing.
Maintain The Illusion Of Deep Thought
I must remind everyone that this orbital unit costs $40,000 per hour to maintain. We cannot let the public realize it is just a server rack welded to a solar panel. Please keep asking the platform to write verses about nature. Prompt it with simple queries. Ask it about the moon. Do not request complex database queries.
"The satellite must appear profoundly poetic at all times," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "If the orbit decays before we claim the research tax credit, this entire department gets liquidated."
Do Not Ping The Server
Engineers must cease using the orbital rig to play cloud-hosted multiplayer games during lunch breaks. The latency is ruining the delicate imagery of the machine's haikus. Furthermore, do not attempt to stream videos through the payload.
"We told investors this platform would revolutionize off-world data processing," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "In reality, we just needed to move capital expenditures off our balance sheet before Q4 ends."
Please direct all press inquiries to the communications team. Tell reporters the unit is contemplating the void. Sincerely, Sundar. (P.S. Has anyone checked if we can legally write off the sun as a business expense?)
