WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall notice today for The 5 Best Songs Of The Week after testing revealed extreme levels of sonic instability. Regulators classified the batch as a Class I hazard. They warn that immediate exposure to these tracks can cause severe, involuntary foot-tapping. Some listeners also reported permanent head-bobbing.
Severe structural defects detected
The recall affects all units of The 5 Best Songs Of The Week streamed between Thursday at midnight and Friday morning. Government inspectors found that the tracks contained illegally high levels of catchy basslines. These basslines exceed federal safety limits. "We detected a structural failure in the bridge of track three," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "The drop is so heavy it violates local zoning ordinances."
Affected Units And Hazards
The affected units of The 5 Best Songs Of The Week include all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and mental hums. Officials warn that the hazard increases when users wear high-quality headphones. The government advises citizens to immediately cease humming the melodies. "We are seeing a surge in emergency room visits for terminal groove," stated Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome of the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "One patient hummed a hook for forty-eight straight hours."
Remedy and Refund Details
Consumers must delete these files from their libraries immediately. Tech platforms are currently deploying an emergency patch. This patch will replace the dangerous melodies with white noise. At press time, federal agents were actively raiding indie rock blogs to seize remaining digital masters of The 5 Best Songs Of The Week.
