TO: All Security Detail
FROM: Global Event Operations
RE: Macklemore Palestine Tour Logistics
DUBLIN—Please review these protocols for the upcoming Macklemore Palestine tour date in Ireland. Rapper Macklemore kicked off the charity run alongside Irish artists Hozier and Kneecap. Venue staff must stay on high alert. Tensions remain extremely high following his sudden removal from Ed Sheeran's stadium circuit.
Equipment and Personnel Isolation
Macklemore currently employs Ed Sheeran’s former backing band. Security must prevent Sheeran from entering the backstage area. "Ed is currently roaming Dublin with a giant butterfly net," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Live Nation Artist Retrieval. "He wants his bassist back. Do not let him approach the Macklemore Palestine tour stage under any circumstances."
Do not allow anyone carrying a loop pedal near the sound desk. Guards must confiscate all acoustic guitars at the perimeter. We cannot risk Sheeran blending into the crowd and harmonizing. That would ruin the entire Macklemore Palestine tour production value.
Crowd Control Measures
Expect massive crowds for Kneecap and Hozier. Staff must monitor the green rooms closely. "The sheer amount of tweed and balaclavas in the hallway presents a fire hazard," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "The acoustic vibration alone could detonate the Guinness brewery."
We need all exit doors cleared by midnight. Furthermore, do not ask Macklemore where he bought his jacket. He will talk for forty minutes about thrifting.
At press time, management realized they forgot to book a bus, so the entire tour crew will travel in a single Volkswagen Golf.
