TO: All Roc Nation Staff
FROM: Executive Talent Committee
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Super Bowl Halftime Selection Process
NEW YORK— We are pleased to announce that Jay-Z picks himself to headline the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show in Southern California. The decision follows a grueling, eight-month internal audit. We evaluated thousands of global icons. Ultimately, the committee founder decided to hire the committee founder.
A Rigorous Selection Process
Our talent acquisition team worked tirelessly. We established a blind submission portal. Every applicant received fair consideration. However, one specific reel stood out above the rest. The performer demonstrated unmatched business acumen. He also owned the company running the search.
"We considered every major artist on Earth," said Janet Holloway, Senior Vice President of Nepotism Logistics at Roc Nation. "We looked at pop stars. We looked at rock legends. Then, Shawn Carter looked in the mirror. He saw the exact vision we needed for the gridiron."
Overcoming Internal Deliberation
The negotiations were notoriously tough. Shawn Carter represented both the NFL and the talent. He nearly walked away from his own offer three times. At one point, he threatened to fire himself over creative differences.
"The bass response alone will test the structural integrity of SoFi Stadium," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "Jay-Z picks himself because no other human voice can vibrate a luxury skybox so efficiently. It is terrifying."
Final Operational Directives
Staff members must clear their schedules immediately. All corporate synergy efforts now focus on this single performer. Please update all marketing decks to reflect this historic self-appointment.
Management asks everyone to pretend this was a complete surprise. Please express shock in the breakroom. Do not mention that the contract was signed in 2019. We look forward to a successful production.
