LOS ANGELES—Miley Cyrus dropped her highly anticipated new self-titled record this morning. Fans rushed online to read the full credits to Miley Cyrus’ Bass Persuades, the album's chaotic lead single. The credits read like a fever dream of modern music production. The singer enlisted an army of indie rockers, Swedish hitmakers, and TikTok consultants to craft a simple four-on-the-floor dance track.
1. Cole Haden of Model/Actriz Provided 'Existential Screaming'
The Brooklyn noise rock frontman did not play an instrument. He spent three days in the vocal booth screaming at a picture of a Victorian child. "Miley wanted raw, unhinged energy," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "We think his screams really ground the bassline."
2. Andrew Wyatt of Miike Snow Played the Triangle
The legendary producer flew from Stockholm to play a single metallic note. He used a custom titanium triangle worth forty thousand dollars. You can hear his contribution at exactly the two-minute mark if you mute all other channels.
3. Kid Harpoon Tuned the Snare Drum for Seven Weeks
The mastermind behind Harry Styles' biggest hits took a hands-on approach. He refused to let anyone touch the snare drum. "I had to make sure the drum head resonated at the exact frequency of a heartbroken teenager," Harpoon wrote in an Instagram post.
4. Priya Vantablack Approved the Track for Gen Z Short Attention Spans
The team brought in outside experts to finalize the arrangement. "We had to read the full credits to Miley Cyrus’ Bass Persuades to make sure the vibes complied with federal regulations," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. Vantablack ordered the producers to cut the bridge entirely to prevent listeners from looking away from their phones.
5. A Haunted Victorian Doll Received a Writing Credit
The final slot on the songwriting roster belongs to "Eleanor," a doll found in an abandoned Georgia mansion. The doll did not write any lyrics. However, the production team agreed that the track's eerie atmosphere came entirely from her presence in the corner of the studio. Her estate will receive fifteen percent of all streaming royalties.
