WASHINGTON— A federal courtroom descended into chaos Tuesday during a monopoly hearing as a key witness exposed the dark industry secrets behind the upcoming Hamilton Leithauser and Rostam tour. The proceeding, which initially focused on ticket pricing, quickly pivoted to the bizarre logistical realities of the duo's first official run of dates celebrating their 2016 collaborative album. Legal experts claim the testimony could dismantle the entire indie-rock touring ecosystem.
The Honorable Judge Arthur Pendelton presiding.
Q: State your name and occupation for the record.
A: Agnes Periwinkle. I am the Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation.
Q: Ms. Periwinkle, let us discuss this upcoming Rostam tour. Why did it take eight years to book these dates?
A: You do not simply book a Rostam tour, counselor. It requires precise atmospheric conditions. Hamilton's vocal cords require a steady diet of vintage wool dust. Rostam must tune his harpsichord using only the tears of disillusioned Brooklyn English majors. We had to wait for the alignment of the planets, or at least a very specific pitchfork review.
Q: Are you saying the delay was artificial?
A: I am saying the entire music industry is a fragile illusion. We simulated the year 2016 in a secret lab in Oregon just to get them in the same room. We bought up millions of dollars of artisanal cider. We bribed algorithm designers at Spotify to force-feed 'A 1000 Times' to anyone who bought a pair of raw denim jeans.
Q: Why go to such lengths for this specific Rostam tour?
A: Because the nostalgia market is a science, sir. If we do not capture the late-Obama-era optimism now, the entire economy of neutral-toned cardigans will collapse. We control the supply. We control the demand. We even control the exact temperature of the draft beer at the venues to ensure maximum wistfulness.
Q: So the fans are being manipulated?
A: The fans want the manipulation. They crave the cozy, chamber-pop safety. At press time, Live Nation lawyers successfully petitioned to have the witness's remaining testimony replaced by a gentle, recurring cello loop.
