HALIFAX—A federal grand jury opened inquiry proceedings Tuesday into the financial mechanics behind the new Ryan Hemsworth Never Learned collaborative single. The investigation focuses on whether the track serves as a front for a massive international indie-rock cash-cleansing operation. Prosecution attorneys claim the guest appearance by Canadian legends Tegan and Sara represents a highly sophisticated method of moving untaxed government grant money across provincial borders.
Q: Mr. Hemsworth, let us discuss the title track, "Never Learned." What exactly did you never learn?
A: I never learned how to read a standard balance sheet. Topshelf Records handles all the decimal points. I just make the beats and let the fiscal policy wash over me.
Q: Is it true that the vocals on the Ryan Hemsworth Never Learned single were paid for in unregistered Maple Syrup Futures?
A: Look, the Canadian music industry runs on a barter system. Tegan and Sara wanted three metric tons of premium grade-A amber syrup. I delivered. We did not involve the banks.
Q: We have a statement here from Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. He claims your new album, Numbskull, is actually a shell corporation registered in Delaware. How do you respond?
A: Barnaby Quill does not understand the emotional ROI of a synth-pop hook. Yes, "Never Learned" has nineteen different co-writers who all happen to share the same physical mailbox in Wilmington. That is just standard modern distribution.
Q: Are you aware that every time someone streams the Ryan Hemsworth Never Learned collaboration, a small bakery in Montreal receives a tax write-off for flour depreciation?
A: That sounds like a very efficient distribution of resources. We support local businesses.
