BOSTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for all Saddest Day 2026 passes. Testing revealed the physical and digital tickets emit hazardous levels of concentrated grief. Regulators discovered the defect during routine stress tests on Boston-area metalcore fans last week.
Severe Risk of Spontaneous Weeping
The recall affects approximately 3,500 weekend passes to the festival at Roadrunner. Commission inspectors found that holding the tickets for more than four minutes triggers immediate, uncontrollable weeping. The hazard stems from the intense lineup featuring Converge and Chat Pile.
"We observed a 400 percent spike in sighing among ticket holders," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "The structural integrity of the average human spirit cannot withstand these Saddest Day 2026 passes. We advise immediate disposal in a dry, cheerful place."
Approved Remedies and Replacements
The government urges consumers to stop using the Saddest Day 2026 passes immediately. The manufacturer has not offered cash refunds. Instead, affected consumers may exchange their tickets for a highly diluted pop-punk playlist. This remedy aims to stabilize user dopamine levels before the December event.
"My drywall started sweating when the PDF loaded on my phone," said local resident Marcus Gloom, who purchased a VIP package. "I just wanted to see Cave In, but now my dog won't look me in the eye."
At press time, federal agents were seen burying a crate of the recalled tickets in a salt mine to prevent local groundwater from turning into tears.
