TO: All Product Strategy Teams
FROM: Office of the Vice President of Hesitation
RE: The impending Galaxy S27 Ultra decision
Team, we must address the rumors. Yes, mass production on the Exynos 2700 chip has begun. Yes, the AMOLED display units are ready. However, leadership has still not finalized the most critical Galaxy S27 Ultra decision. We currently do not know if this device should exist, or if we should just release a very expensive cardboard box.
The Core Dilemma
Our research shows consumers are tired of owning physical objects. We are currently debating whether the next flagship should be a phone or a state of mind. "We have the technology to build the perfect device," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "But Samsung lacks the emotional maturity to decide if the chassis should be made of titanium or liquid regret."
This delay directly impacts our marketing timeline. If we do not make the Galaxy S27 Ultra decision by Tuesday, we will have to run empty television commercials. The ads will just feature our logo and the sound of soft weeping.
Alternative Solutions
Some board members suggested we simply ship last year's phone with a new sticker. Others recommended we pivot entirely to selling luxury gravel. We must remain competitive with Apple, even if it means doing absolutely nothing for the next fiscal year.
Please stop emailing the CEO with suggestions to "just add more cameras." We already have sixteen cameras on the prototype. There is no more room on the back. We are currently mounting them on the sides where your fingers go.
In conclusion, please continue working on the assumption that we will eventually make a choice. If we do not, please prepare to launch the Galaxy S27 Ultra as a series of suggestive whispers sent directly to user smartwatches.
