BATON ROUGE, La.—State officials announced a historic deal on Thursday to build a massive new SpaceX Louisiana site that will launch ten thousand rockets per hour. Lawmakers fast-tracked the agreement under total secrecy. The state promised to waive all local physics ordinances to accommodate the facility.
A Very Loud Economy
The deal represents a $100 billion investment in the local aerospace economy. However, some nearby residents expressed minor concerns about the constant, bone-rattling vibrations. Government liaisons quickly dismissed these worries. They pointed to the strict nondisclosure agreements that protect the project's sonic volume.
"This partnership will put our state on the map," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Yes, the atmosphere will technically remain on fire. But the job growth at the SpaceX Louisiana facility will be truly astronomical. We expect citizens to adapt to the new permanent daylight within a week."
Silence Is Legally Required
To ease the transition, lawmakers retroactively classified the sound of rocket engines as quiet. Police will fine any residents who complain about their shattered windows. The state also purchased fifty thousand pairs of industrial earplugs for local farm animals.
"We looked at the data," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Our models show that people actually prefer a constant state of low-grade terror. The SpaceX Louisiana site simply commercializes that feeling."
At press time, state officials were seen wearing advanced aerospace helmets to block out the screams of their constituents.
