RIO DE JANEIRO— The following is a transcript from the Federal Court of Music Regulation. Chief counsel Richard Vance questioned Agnes Periwinkle. Periwinkle serves as the Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. The hearing investigated the ecological impact of the historic Stray Kids Rock in Rio debut on local soundscapes.
Q: Ms. Periwinkle, please describe the atmosphere during the Stray Kids Rock in Rio debut.
A: It was a controlled decibel crisis. Eighty thousand people screamed at once. The human ear cannot process that level of synchronized joy.
Q: Did Live Nation take precautions for this historic Stray Kids Rock in Rio debut?
A: We distributed safety-grade earplugs. However, the fans did not use them on their ears. They threw them at the stage as offerings.
Q: Our data shows a global shortage of high-pitched noises immediately after the set. Did you siphon the screams?
A: Every major promoter does this. We install acoustic traps under the barricades. We harvest the high-frequency energy from the Stray Kids Rock in Rio debut. Then we sell it back to pop labels to pitch-shift vocals for lesser artists.
Q: So you are admitting to monopolizing human excitement?
A: Excitement is a finite resource, Mr. Vance. If K-pop fans consume it all in South America, there is nothing left for the indie rock shows in Ohio. We had to balance the grid.
Q: Is it true that Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome warned you about tectonic shifts caused by the choreography?
A: Dr. Mbeki-Ransome is a theorist. He claimed the synchronized jumping would crack the South American plate. We took the risk. The ticket sales justified minor geological damage.
At press time, the judge ordered the immediate release of three vaults of confiscated fan screams to stabilize the global pop charts.
