Senate Staring Contest Enters Fourth Week, Eyelids Fused Shut
The unprecedented Senate staring contest over DHS funding has entered its fourth week. Senators now require IV…
DHS Funding Deal Falters as Lawmakers Discover It Requires Governing
The DHS funding deal stalled as lawmakers discovered federal agencies require actual money, not just…
Robert Mueller Dead At 81, Nation Remembers His Probe
Robert Mueller, the special counsel who probed Trump, dies at 81. His legacy of relentless inquiry lives on.
TSA Workers Discover Hidden Talents Amid Paycheck Loss
Unpaid TSA workers have embraced new, self-directed roles after losing their first paycheck. They found…
Vans Warped Tour 2026 Lineup Reunites Skaters With Their Feelings
Vans Warped Tour 2026 Washington D.C. lineup brings back emo bands for aging millennials. Expect existential…
Angel Du$t Named World’s Best Rock Band After Strategic Non-Singing
Angel Du$t declared world's best rock band after frontman's decade-long strategic non-singing. Critics laud the…
Rubio Iran Briefing Confirms Nation of Iran Remains, Is Still There
During a classified Rubio Iran briefing, Senator Marco Rubio presented irrefutable evidence that Iran, a…
Pentagon General Unveils Acute Iran Attack Risks: ‘Papercuts are Imminent’
Pentagon's top general foresees acute Iran attack risks, including administrative oversights, papercuts, and…
Topshelf Records Can No Longer Support Ekko Astral’s Existential Dread
Topshelf Records can no longer support Ekko Astral, citing drama. The band will self-release 'the beltway is burning.'