WASHINGTON, D.C.—The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a mandatory recall today for the upcoming Tami Hart album. Agency officials detected dangerously high levels of year-2000 indie-rock nostalgia in the master tapes. The product, which marks the singer's first solo effort in over two decades, poses a severe risk of spontaneous flannel combustion to anyone who owned a Discman.
Hazard Details and Affected Units
Federal inspectors flagged the new Tami Hart album during routine acoustic testing. The physical media contains 400 percent of the daily recommended allowance of angular guitar riffs. Exposure may trigger sudden urges to discuss the original lineup of Le Tigre. The recall affects all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and promotional cassettes shipped across North America.
"We observed severe temporal distortion in our test subjects," said Dr. Aris Thorne, Director of the Federal Audio Safety Administration. "Two minutes into the opening track, a 42-year-old tester began passionately defending the fidelity of mini-discs. We had to intervene before he attempted to buy a Subaru Outback."
Required Remedy and Exchange Information
Consumers must immediately stop listening to the Tami Hart album. The manufacturer recommends exchanging the files for a sterile, algorithm-approved modern pop song. This exchange will neutralize the listener's desire for authentic feminist punk. Government agents will begin confiscating all physical copies starting Monday morning.
"We must protect the public from raw, unfiltered analog emotion," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. "Our society cannot function if citizens suddenly remember what music sounded like before auto-tune took over the airwaves."
At press time, federal agents were seen wearing hazmat suits while confiscating vintage 2002 concert t-shirts from Portland basements.
