BRASÍLIA— A federal court convened this morning to investigate compliance with the newly enacted Taylor Swift law, which mandates free drinking water at all major Brazilian music venues. The landmark legislation aims to protect fans from extreme weather conditions during stadium-sized pop concerts. However, the subsequent inquiry into industry compliance quickly devolved into a horrifying look at the inner workings of modern event promotion. Lead prosecutor Regina Silva questioned prominent live entertainment executives to determine why hydration remains a luxury asset.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Barnaby Quill. I am the Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, currently advising the Live Nation Latin America consortium.
Q: Mr. Quill, why did your venues fail to distribute free tap water during the recent heatwave, despite the clear mandate of the Taylor Swift law?
A: We ran out of cups. We also ran out of hands to hold the cups. It was an distribution bottleneck, not a human rights violation.
Q: You charged forty dollars for a single bottle of water. Is that correct?
A: That water was artisanal. It was harvested from the condensation on the outside of the artist's dressing room trailer. It had branding value.
Q: Let the record show the witness is sweating profusely. Mr. Quill, did you personally order the venue staff to turn off the bathroom sinks to enforce the purchase of these premium bottles?
A: We had to conserve municipal pressure. If the toilets flush too fast, the bass frequencies from the main stage lose their resonance. It is simple acoustics.
Q: Our investigators found twenty thousand gallons of drinkable water behind the stage. You used it to cool down the VIP champagne coolers. Why?
A: Champagne must remain at exactly forty-two degrees. Otherwise, the influencers get irritable. An irritable influencer does not post. If they do not post, the Taylor Swift law wins. We could not let that happen.
Q: Are you saying you value marketing impressions over human life?
A: I am saying that the human body is seventy percent water. Technically, the audience brought their own beverages inside them. We merely refused to subsidize their refills.
Q: Mr. Quill, we have a leaked memo. It shows your team discussed dehydrating the crowd to increase merchandise sales of branded sweatbands. How do you respond?
A: The sweatbands are highly absorbent. They are made of recycled polyester. We are an eco-friendly corporation.
