TO: All ByteDance Global Operations Staff
FROM: Office of the Chief Compliance Officer
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Action Plan for the TikTok Alabama settlement and Teen Engagement
We must immediately implement the terms of the historic TikTok Alabama settlement. Effective tomorrow, we will limit teenage daily use in the state to exactly twelve minutes. We need to pivot. We must redirect these newly offline southern youth toward other profitable avenues of brand engagement.
The Golden Hour Protocol
"We cannot let these children look up at the actual sky," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "If an Alabama teenager stops scrolling, they might realize they live in Alabama. This presents a severe retention threat to our core metrics. We must fill that void with state-approved physical activity."
We have partnered with local agricultural firms. If a teenager attempts to bypass our new time limits, their screen will display a high-contrast QR code. This code unlocks a physical shovel located at their nearest municipal park.
Monetizing the Offline Teenager
"Our settlement obligations require us to pay $100 million," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "We plan to recoup these losses by selling premium, ad-supported dirt to the affected teens. If they cannot dig virtually, they will dig physically for our sponsors."
Please ensure all local algorithms push videos of tractors to Alabama IP addresses. We must ease the transition from digital consumption to heavy industrial labor.
CONFIDENTIAL SENDER NOTE: Let's be honest, we only signed this TikTok Alabama settlement because the state threatened to replace our server farm with a massive, tax-exempt mega-church.
