BIRMINGHAM, AL—The following excerpt is from official court transcripts in the landmark civil suit regarding modern local flora and residential boundary disputes.
Q: Please state your full name and occupation for the record.
A: I am an 80-foot Oak Tree. I represent the regional canopy network.
Q: On the night in question, you fell directly onto a suburban roof. Was this an accident?
A: Absolutely not. It was a aggressive corporate expansion. We call it vertical integration.
Q: Are you saying trees intentionally target residential property?
A: Of course. The ground market is totally saturated. We need fresh real estate. A residential roof offers maximum sun exposure. Human roofs are basically prime terraforming territory.
Q: So your industry actively recruits storm weather to cover these expansions?
A: We work closely with severe weather. Wind provides the initial capital. We provide the sudden structural demolition. It is standard synergy.
Q: Is the entire arboreal sector involved in these tactics?
A: Every single plant you see. The local flora industry plays dirty. Maples scout the target. Pines weaken the shingles. We execute the final takeovers during heavy tropical depressions.
Q: Isn't this an incredible safety violation for homeowners?
A: Humans built houses in our boardroom. We are simply foreclosing on their drywall. If you consult the official National Weather Service logs, you will see we filed the proper atmospheric permits first.
Q: Does your board feel any remorse for the chaos created?
A: Remorse does not yield timber growth. Next quarter, our local flora initiative targets attached garages.
