WASHINGTON—Unsealed federal court records reveal how corporate executives routinely fire foreign leaders to solve minor supply chain delays. The transcript details a deposition regarding an executive strategy of firing foreign leaders to stabilize regional fuel markets.
Q: Please state your name and title for the record.
A: My name is Arthur Pendelton. I serve as Senior Director of Global Vibe Management at Logistics Unlimited.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, did your company attempt to fire foreign leaders last month?
A: Yes. We felt the European market lacked proper energy discipline. Our board voted to replace several heads of state during a routine quarterly Zoom call. We sent formal termination letters to their respective capitals.
Q: You believe you have the authority to fire foreign leaders during supply disputes?
A: Absolutely. It is standard industry practice. When a foreign nation disrupts a local diesel deal, you simply issue a press release. You demand a change in leadership. We do it all the time in South America.
Q: You fired the president of a sovereign nation over a diesel shipping route?
A: We offered him a generous severance package. We offered him three months of executive coaching and a seat on our advisory board. According to AP News reports, geopolitical stability requires quick human resource management.
Q: Did the sovereign leader accept this termination?
A: He ignored it. That is gross insubordination. We immediately began interviewing candidates for his replacement on LinkedIn. We found three former mayors who seemed much more open to bulk fuel discounts.
Q: Are you currently trying to fire foreign leaders in other countries?
A: We are currently auditing seven distinct heads of state across three continents. If oil prices do not drop by Tuesday, we will announce a new Prime Minister for the United Kingdom. We already printed his business cards.
