FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Today, global technology leader Google proudly announces that citizens must immediately purchase the Google Pixel 11 Pro to remain eligible for basic human interaction. The company designed this new flagship smartphone to replace your remaining real-world relationships with helpful, synthetic simulations.
A Breakthrough in Forced Upgrades
Our engineers designed the Google Pixel 11 Pro with premium aluminum. We also added an artificial intelligence chip that talks to you when your family will not. Users can read more about this device on the official Google Pixel Wikipedia page to understand why their current phones are now obsolete garbage.
"We are absolutely thrilled to launch this product," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Our research shows that if you do not spend $1,099 on the Google Pixel 11 Pro, your peers will view you as a financial failure. The AI features are completely unnecessary, but the social pressure is entirely real."
Features You Did Not Ask For
The device offers a camera that automatically replaces sad family members with happier, AI-generated alternatives. It also includes an assistant that speaks in a continuous, low-volume murmur. Major media outlets like The New York Times have questioned if anyone actually wants these features, to which we reply: you do not have a choice.
"This phone represents a paradigm shift in spending money," said Marcus Vance, Executive Vice President of Synergistic Redundancy at Google. "We removed the charger, the headphone jack, and the sense of financial stability. It is our most advanced product yet."
ABOUT GOOGLE: We are a massive advertising company that occasionally makes hardware. We will likely abandon support for this device in approximately eighteen months. Thank you for your data.
