WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a mandatory product recall of the upcoming Your Old Droog album, Bread & Butter, citing severe audio structural hazards. Federal inspectors discovered that the Brooklyn rapper spread his caviar metaphor dangerously thin across the primary tracks. The agency warned that the highly anticipated Your Old Droog album poses an immediate risk of emotional malnutrition to hip-hop listeners nationwide.
The Caviar Hazard
Regulators launched an investigation after receiving complaints about the lead single featuring Flying Lotus and Georgia Anne Muldrow. Listeners reported experiencing a dry, floury texture in their ears. "The ratio of luxury roe to plain bread is completely unacceptable," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "We tested the Your Old Droog album in our labs. The sonic butter simply does not cover the crust. This is a class-one aesthetic violation."
Government officials ordered all digital streaming platforms to quarantine the Your Old Droog album files immediately. Affected units include all pre-saves, promotional downloads, and physical vinyl pressings. The agency warned that consuming the track "I Don't Care" without proper hydration could cause sudden, acute indifference in young adults.
Official Remedy and Replacement
To resolve the issue, the manufacturer must apply a thick layer of premium mayonnaise to all future master tapes. "We are cooperating with the federal government," said Sandra Jenkins, Chief Compliance Officer for Nature's Sounds. "We urge all consumers to stop listening to the dry Brooklyn beats immediately. We will issue a replacement digital file containing three additional basslines from Conductor Williams."
At press time, the commission warned consumers not to attempt to spread real fish eggs onto their smartphones to fix the audio quality.
