WASHINGTON—A federal antitrust hearing took a surreal turn yesterday as prosecutors entered the new 1tbsp single into evidence as a suspected psychological weapon. The track, which features Vienna artist kid on air, allegedly contains sub-audible frequencies that compel listeners to surrender their banking information. Legal experts watched in silence as the prosecution questioned a key music industry executive about the hypnotic properties of the song.
PROSECUTOR: State your name for the record, please.
WITNESS: Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected.
PROSECUTOR: Dr. Vasquez-Thorne, did your team analyze the new 1tbsp single?
WITNESS: Yes. We looped "Wish You Luck" for seventy-two hours in a controlled laboratory setting.
PROSECUTOR: And what did you discover about the track?
WITNESS: The song bypassed the auditory cortex entirely. It forced our test subjects to clean their kitchens at triple speed. They also signed over their deeds to Maxwell Byrne.
PROSECUTOR: Is this behavior normal for a standard house music release?
WITNESS: Absolutely not. Normal house music just makes you buy expensive water. This 1tbsp single actually rewires the frontal lobe.
PROSECUTOR: Let the record show the witness is holding a copy of the Pink Dress single.
WITNESS: That one is also dangerous. It makes people believe they are wearing silk when they are actually wearing burlap.
PROSECUTOR: How deep does this conspiracy go within the music industry?
WITNESS: Every major playlist is compromised. We found similar code in the Soulseek track. The entire indie-electronic scene is just a front for Swedish bank robberies.
PROSECUTOR: Thank you. No further questions.
At press time, the presiding judge adjourned the trial early after accidentally streaming the 1tbsp single and immediately transferring the court's entire annual budget to an offshore account in Vienna.
