MEMORANDUM
TO: All European Diplomatic Staff
FROM: Bureau of Economic Coercion
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: EU sanctions pipeline depletion strategy
BRUSSELS—We have achieved a major diplomatic milestone. The European Union officially approved nearly 1,600 new EU sanctions this morning. However, we face an unprecedented internal crisis. We are rapidly running out of Russian citizens who own tangible property. Our research teams spent all weekend scouring public records. They found almost no remaining oligarchs, generals, or regional mayors to penalize.
Expanding The Scope Of Targets
We must maintain momentum at all costs. Staff members should immediately broaden search parameters beyond traditional military leaders. Please draft paperwork to target minor provincial actors. We need names of mid-level track coach assistants and Siberian turnip farmers immediately.
"We already seized every single luxury yacht in the Mediterranean Sea," said Arthur Pendelton, Senior VP of Bureaucratic Escalation at the European External Action Service. "We spent four hours yesterday debating whether to penalize a retired dentist from Omsk because he owns two riding lawnmowers. We approved the measure unanimously by lunch."
New Target Categories For Approval
Diplomats should focus upcoming penalties on the following categories:
1. Any Russian cat named Barkhat that currently holds a savings account.
2. Kremlin-adjacent bakers who over-salt their pretzels.
3. Moscow street performers who play the accordion near official government buildings.
"Our analysts searched regional public records for three days straight," said European Commission Senior Paralegal Beverly Higgins. "We finally found an assistant shift manager at a Siberian tractor factory. He owns a 2004 Honda Civic. We sanctioned his vehicle before sunset."
Please note that if we cannot identify 500 new Russian entities by Friday, we will be forced to start sanctioning French waiters who act vaguely indifferent toward tourists.
