DAYTON, OH— In a move that shocked absolutely no one who has paid attention to the band for more than five minutes, indie rock stalwarts Guided By Voices announced Tuesday the release of their 43rd studio album, Crawlspace Of The Pantheon. The prolific quartet plans to drop the new record, featuring the single “We Outlast Them All,” just months after their last LP, Thick, Rich And Delicious. This latest output continues the band’s unwavering commitment to releasing music at a pace that defies conventional human lifespans. The new Guided By Voices album is slated for release this fall. Fans worldwide braced themselves for the onslaught. It has been a mere four months since their previous effort. Some critics suggested a brief respite. Guided By Voices, however, saw no need to pause. The band insisted they had plenty more songs. They always have plenty more songs.
A Pantheon Of Output
The band, led by the indefatigable Robert Pollard, has maintained a legendary release schedule for decades. Crawlspace Of The Pantheon reportedly contains 25 tracks. Pollard stated the album was largely recorded during a single feverish weekend. “We just kept going,” Pollard explained. “The songs came out. We put them down. It’s what we do. We outlast them all, you see.” He wore a stained t-shirt. His eyes seemed to stare into the middle distance. He then coughed violently. This latest release from Guided By Voices will likely be debated by music scholars for generations. It’s hard to keep track.
Fan Fatigue As A Feature
Many fans expressed a mixture of exhaustion and grudging admiration. “I bought the last one. I think,” commented longtime follower Brenda Gables, 52, the self-proclaimed “Official Keeper of the GBV Discography.” “I’m not sure I’ve even listened to all of Thick, Rich And Delicious yet. But I’ll probably buy this new one. It’s like a weird, obligatory relationship.” Gables admitted she has a dedicated room just for her GBV records. It is overflowing. She plans to add Crawlspace Of The Pantheon. The band’s output is staggering. Fans simply try to keep up. Many have given up entirely. The new Guided By Voices album is their latest challenge.
At press time, Robert Pollard was reportedly already working on album number 44, tentatively titled My Brain Is A Haunted Jukebox.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
Related stories: Mitski’s Tender Performance Creates Nationwide Pillow Shortage Kim Jong Un’s Sister Promoted, Now Head of Supreme Leader’s Sock Drawer House Rejects Air Safety Bill, Cites ‘Excessive Predictability’
