LOS ANGELES— Gorillaz’s highly anticipated new album, “The Mountain,” was released Tuesday. It featured a dizzying array of collaborators. The band reportedly attempted to include every human being who has ever lived. The ambitious project fell short of this lofty goal. It still boasted an unprecedented number of contributors. The album’s liner notes stretched for 7,000 pages. They listed everyone from prehistoric cave painters to current world leaders.
Band frontman 2D provided lead vocals on several tracks. Murdoc Niccals reportedly handled bass and logistical nightmares. Noodle contributed guitar solos recorded during an astral projection. Russel Hobbs supplied drums and spiritual guidance. The band expressed slight disappointment. They only managed to secure 7.8 billion living individuals. They also included an estimated 100 billion deceased souls.
A Logistical Everest
“We hit a snag with the Neanderthals,” admitted Dr. Evelyn Reed, Chief Chrono-Musicologist at the National Archives of Sound. “Their vocal contributions were mostly grunts. The licensing agreements were a nightmare.” She paused. “Getting their agents to agree on royalties for ‘Ugg’ was nearly impossible.” Dr. Reed referenced the album’s lead single, a collaboration with Cro-Magnon man.
The album’s production required new technological breakthroughs. Scientists developed a “Temporal Harmonizer” for posthumous artists. It sampled their echoes through time. Livestreaming infrastructure processed millions of simultaneous vocal tracks. This led to a global internet slowdown for 72 hours. Fans trying to access the official Gorillaz site reported severe buffering.
The Unsung and the Unborn
“We wanted everyone,” stated Damon Albarn, Gorillaz co-creator, in a rare public appearance. “Even the ones still waiting to be born. But ethical committees said no.” He shrugged. “Apparently, ‘pre-natal vocal samples’ raise too many questions.” Albarn hinted at future projects. These might include collaborations with future generations.
Tracks include a duet between Cleopatra and a sentient toaster oven. A rap battle between Shakespeare and a particularly eloquent squirrel features prominently. The album’s instrumental sections incorporated the hum of the universe. It also included the sound of a single tear falling in a vacuum. Critics called it “vast,” “overwhelming,” and “a bit much.”
The record’s sprawling credits list also included “You” and “Your Ancestors.” It added “That Guy Who Cut You Off This Morning.” This left many listeners confused. The band apologized for any identity crises caused. They promised a simpler tracklist next time. At press time, Gorillaz announced a world tour featuring “approximately 5% of the album’s contributors.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
Related stories: Kamala Harris Endorses Crockett, Sparks Existential Crisis in Texas Voters Punk In The Park Cancels All 2026 Events Amidst Political Fallout ‘Scream 7’ Decibels Cause Ear Damage, Still Shatters Box Office Records
