WASHINGTON— The White House’s newly formed “Operation Grand Slam” task force encountered unforeseen difficulties this week in its efforts regarding taking Cuba. Administration officials, reportedly operating under the assumption that the island nation could be “taken” with relative ease, were confronted by a series of geographic, bureaucratic, and geopolitical hurdles. The initiative, described as “a bold move” by anonymous sources, aimed to physically relocate the entire island. It quickly became clear that the project lacked a robust strategic blueprint.
Bureaucracy Thwarts Island Relocation
Early attempts focused on securing the necessary permits. The Department of Oceanographic Re-Zoning denied several applications. These applications requested permission to detach tectonic plates. Dr. Bartholomew “Barty” Crouch, Senior Consultant for Geopolitical Relocation at the Department of Things That Are Hard to Move, expressed surprise. “We thought it would be like ordering a large pizza,” Crouch stated. “Turns out, there are regulations for everything. Especially for shipping entire landmasses.” His team had initially proposed a system of “giant levers.” These levers would pry the island from its foundations. This plan was quickly abandoned. Geologists cited “basic physics” as an impediment.
The proposed budget for “Cuba Transportation and Reintegration” also raised eyebrows. It included line items for “industrial-strength suction cups” and “extra-large tow ropes.” Experts from the Army Corps of Engineers voiced concerns. They noted the lack of any existing infrastructure for such an undertaking. The logistical challenge of taking Cuba proved immense. It overshadowed initial optimism. Planners struggled with concepts like “island momentum” and “continental drift insurance.”
International Law and Neighboring Concerns
Further complications arose from international law. Various treaties govern territorial sovereignty. These agreements made “taking” a sovereign nation problematic. Neighboring Caribbean states also registered formal complaints. They cited potential “ripple effects” on ocean currents. A spokesperson for the Bahamian government expressed “mild bewilderment.” They asked for clarification on the “implications for their own archipelagic stability.” Brenda “The Bureaucrat” Perkins, Head of Island Zoning and Recreational Annexation at the Federal Land Management Agency, highlighted permit issues. “We couldn’t even get a variance for a modest beachfront property,” Perkins lamented. “Let alone an entire island. The paperwork alone filled a small warehouse.” She referenced a critical document: Form DS-4071, Application for Extraterritorial Land Reassignment, which remains unapproved.
The White House has since pivoted. The “taking Cuba” initiative is now “under review.” Sources close to the administration suggested a new approach. This strategy involves “stronger language” and “more pointed tweets.” They believe these measures might achieve similar results. The task force is reportedly exploring less physically demanding options. These include “aggressive staring contests” and “very stern letters.”
At press time, officials were reportedly considering purchasing Cuba on eBay, only to find the “Buy It Now” option was already taken by Canada.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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