LOS ANGELES—The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has inadvertently triggered a wave of profound Homeland Security anxiety among elected officials. A new report details widespread unease. Lawmakers in Washington D.C. now exhibit nervous tics. They constantly scan their surroundings. They fear their own security measures. This unexpected psychological fallout has paralyzed legislative efforts.
The report, commissioned by a bipartisan group, reveals alarming trends. Senators fidget during classified briefings. Representatives eye C-SPAN cameras with suspicion. Many report a pervasive feeling of being “too secure.” This has led to an overwhelming sense of vulnerability. It appears the more secure the homeland, the more insecure its leaders feel.
The Paranoia Protocol
“We built a robust shield around our nation,” stated Dr. Penelope Wiffle, Chief of Congressional Emotional Safeguards. “Now our politicians feel trapped behind it. They see a surveillance camera and assume it’s specifically for their questionable snack choices. It’s a security feedback loop.” Dr. Wiffle cited instances of members attempting to smuggle classified documents in hollowed-out loaves of sourdough. This was despite high-level clearances. Read more about the origins of this anxiety here.
Congressional staff members have implemented new “comfort corners.” These areas offer weighted blankets and soothing nature sounds. They hope to alleviate acute Homeland Security anxiety attacks. One senator was caught trying to bypass Capitol security. He claimed to be “just a very concerned constituent.” His staff later clarified he was trying to “understand the threat from within.”
Unintended Consequences
“When we said ‘see something, say something,’ we didn’t mean about your own colleagues,” lamented Bartholomew “Barty” Crumb, former Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Unspecified Threats. “Now they’re reporting each other for suspicious eye contact. It’s an absolute nightmare for internal memos.” Crumb’s office has seen an uptick in requests for “untraceable” personal stationery. The political climate further exacerbates these feelings, as detailed in recent reporting on GOP infighting.
The situation escalated last week. A senior House committee member tried to padlock his own office door. He then secured it with a series of complex knot arrangements. He explained he was “preventing any unauthorized homeland security from occurring inside.” His aide later admitted it was just his lunch. Even cafeteria workers now whisper about “enhanced foodstuff monitoring.”
At press time, a bipartisan resolution was introduced. It proposed officially renaming the agency to “The Department of Mild Discomfort.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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