NASHVILLE—Indie darlings Cootie Catcher released their highly anticipated new album, Something We All Got, last Tuesday. The band had previously announced its creative genesis. Influences included the band Girls, Electrelane, and a deep embrace of awkwardness. This unique combination, however, triggered an unexpected public health crisis. Citizens across the nation suddenly found themselves reliving uncomfortable adolescent memories.
Reports flooded in from every state. Adults spontaneously started folding paper fortune tellers. Others whispered secrets during important business meetings. Many developed an inexplicable fear of touching doorknobs. The collective unconscious seemed to regress en masse. Experts struggled to explain the phenomenon.
Awkward Origins Unveiled
Nolan Jakupovski, Cootie Catcher’s lead architect of sonic discomfort, confirmed the influences. “We really tried to capture that specific cringe,” Jakupovski stated. “That feeling before you asked someone to slow dance. Or that moment you realized your crush saw your hand-drawn anime fan art.” He added, “The new album Something We All Got distills that.” The band had clearly succeeded, perhaps too well. Learn more about the ancient art of cootie catchers here.
Therapists reported a surge in patients. Many were grappling with forgotten middle school anxieties. Some arrived wearing mismatched socks. Others confessed to suddenly worrying about their braces. Social media feeds filled with declarations of “I like you, do you like me? Circle one.”
Public Health Advisory Issued
Dr. Felicity Blumberg, head of the National Institute of Adolescent Relapse, issued a public warning. “The album’s subtle sonic cues unlock deep-seated memories,” Dr. Blumberg explained. “We’ve seen adults spontaneously forming secret clubs. They are trading Pogs again. One man tried to convince his coworkers that ‘cooties’ were real and contagious.” She stressed caution. More insights into the album’s creation can be found in a recent Stereogum interview.
School cafeterias saw increased demand for rectangular pizza. A sudden interest in obscure 2000s indie bands like Electrelane surged. Fashion trends regressed to oversized hoodies and cargo pants. Experts predict this trend could last until the next major cultural reset.
At press time, the CDC advised against listening to Cootie Catcher’s Something We All Got without parental supervision, despite listeners being well over voting age.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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