SEATTLE—E-commerce giant Amazon announced talks to buy Decart AI for $7 billion to calculate exactly why your ex left you. Executives confirmed the deal on Monday. The platform uses advanced neural networks to analyze your terrible personality flaws.
Processing Unresolved Trauma
Engineers built the system to scrape every text message you sent at 2:00 AM. "We train on deeply embarrassing digital footprints," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "The model instantly realizes you talk about your mother too much." Investors expect massive profits from users seeking closure.
Reports indicate that Amazon will integrate the software into Prime membership tiers. Subscribers receive a monthly breakdown of their personal failures. Non-members must endure standard automated rejection letters.
Optimizing Emotional Efficiency
Competitors rushed to respond to the massive deal. Analysts expect rival platforms to acquire smaller therapy startups by next week. "Our goal is total market dominance over human misery," said Marcus Vance, Senior Vice President of Algorithmic Regret at The Wall Street Journal partners program. "We want to monetize your attachment issues before dinner."
At press time, the algorithm suggested you stop texting your ex because she moved to Denver with a software architect.
