Business
Tech Earnings Playbook: 5 Terrifying Milestones Big Tech Will Hit This Quarter
Consult our satirical tech earnings playbook to see what absurd milestones Amazon, Microsoft, and Alphabet will hit this week.
Tagged: Amazon (14)
Technology
Amazon Buys Decart AI To Predict Why You Broke Up
Amazon buys Decart AI for $7 billion to analyze your bad personality traits and explain why your romantic relationships keep failing.
Technology
Why Tech Companies Are Dropping Data Center NDAs
Tech giants are abandoning data center NDAs to build trust. Here is how they plan to spin their massive infrastructure projects.
Technology
Court Transcript: Amazon Fire Tablets Phased Out Because Customers Asked for Pain
Leaked court transcripts reveal Amazon is phasing out Fire Tablets because they failed to deliver the deep existential torment customers actually crave.
Technology
Amazon Alexa Tablet Screams At Users Who Try To Buy From Walmart
The new Amazon Alexa Tablet features a premium design and an aggressive acoustic security system that screeches at Walmart shoppers.
Technology
Early Prime Day Deals Under Fire in Tech Price-Fixing Trial
A federal court transcript reveals the dark psychological science behind early Prime Day deals and tech pricing.
Technology
Leaked Memo Reveals October Prime Day To Require Blood Sacrifice
A leaked Amazon internal memo reveals that October Prime Day will require members to offer physical tributes to secure early deals.
Technology
Amazon and Qualcomm Strike AI Chip Deal of Biblical Proportions
Amazon and Qualcomm strike AI chip deal worth billions to automate human loneliness and predict sad purchases.
Technology
Amazon Shopping AI Now Verified As Only Trustworthy Scam
The new Amazon shopping AI will protect your wallet by ensuring only Jeff Bezos can take your money.
Technology
Amazon Alexa Shopping Alerts Will Now Ping You Whenever You Experience Sadness
New Amazon Alexa shopping alerts will ping you the exact moment you feel sad, lonely, or bored to trigger immediate impulse purchases.
Business
Secret Ad Fees Exposed in Federal Antitrust Courtroom
Court transcripts reveal the absurd mechanics of the retail giant's secret ad fees that drove up prices.
Technology
Amazon Bundles Pixel 11 Pro With Entire Logistics Warehouse
Amazon slashes the price of the Pixel 11 Pro by bundling the smartphone with a fully operational 1.2-million-square-foot fulfillment center.
Technology
Memory Costs Trial Exposes Absurd Tech Price Hikes
A shocking court transcript reveals that rising memory costs are actually the result of tech firms harvesting expensive human nostalgia.
World
Laufey Everywhere As Jazz-Pop Star Infiltrates Global Commerce
Laufey’s brand expands into a Lexus, Erewhon smoothie, and Fortnite skin. The jazz-pop star is everywhere.