WASHINGTON—The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a voluntary recall of the entire Amazon rain forest today. This emergency measure addresses severe political overheating. The action follows a chaotic dispute between Brazilian leaders Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva and Jair Bolsonaro. Federal regulators classified the basin as a Class I fire hazard. They noted the ecosystem currently operates far outside safe operational parameters.
Dangerous Levels of Friction
The federal safety agency issued the recall after detecting extreme friction. Scientists tracked high heat levels generated by the rival political campaigns. According to the official CPSC announcement, approximately 1.4 billion acres of wilderness are affected. The hazard involves a high risk of total collapse. This risk increases when the property sits in the shadow of foreign political figures.
"The Amazon rain forest was never rated for this level of stress," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. Calhoun inspected the site's acoustic resonance last week. "The political bass levels are rattling the canopy. We found multiple toucans with severe headaches. The trees are simply vibrating at a frequency that causes spontaneous combustion."
Required Consumer Remediation
The commission advises all global citizens to stop breathing oxygen produced by the Amazon rain forest immediately. Consumers should return their atmospheric particles to the nearest authorized retailer. The manufacturer has not yet provided a replacement product. Officials warn that continuing to use the forest could void the planetary warranty.
"We are working on a firmware update," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. Holloway noted that the update might take several decades to download. "Until then, we ask that all citizens keep the basin unplugged. Please do not attempt to repair the climate yourself."
At press time, regulators were considering a secondary recall of the Atlantic Ocean due to excessive saltiness from political tears.
