LOS ANGELES—The release of the new Anna Butterss track “Ninths” has triggered an unprecedented crisis in the Southern California music scene. The complex, groove-heavy instrumental single apparently required so many elite collaborators that no working bassists remain available in the greater Los Angeles area. Indie bands, wedding singers, and studio sessions have all ground to a sudden halt.
The Great Bassist Depletion
Butterss, known for her work with Makaya McCraven and boygenius, assembled a massive roster for the track. Musicologists report the sheer gravitational pull of the song “Ninths” sucked every nearby rhythm section into its orbit. Indie rock bands across Silver Lake reported empty stage lefts during soundchecks on Tuesday night.
“We had a gig at the Echo,” said Marcus Vance, lead singer of the post-punk band Wet Concrete. “Our bassist just stared at his phone, muttered something about the song ‘Ninths,’ and walked into the sea. We had to play our entire set with just a triangle.”
Industry Experts Sound the Alarm
The sudden vacuum of low-end frequencies has destabilized the local economy. Audio engineers report that without bass, local venues are suffering from severe structural treble damage.
“We are looking at a total collapse of the 40 to 80 Hertz frequency range,” said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. “If the song ‘Ninths’ continues to stream at this rate, we predict a 400 percent inflation in the cost of synthesizer bass patches by Friday.”
At press time, local guitarists were seen trying to tune their top two strings down to E, only to immediately snap their necks in frustration.
