ADEN—The ongoing legal fallout from the airport strike has taken a bizarre turn. A leaked federal court transcript reveals that the entire global aviation industry operates on a massive bluff. During testimony regarding the strike at Aden International Airport, a senior industry executive admitted under oath that modern airplanes do not actually fly. Instead, the executive testified that commercial aircraft simply practice "highly coordinated, expensive falling" while praying the pilot does not look down.
The Great Physics Bluff
PROSECUTION: Mr. Bellweather, you are the Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, but you previously spent twenty years as the Chief of Aerodynamic Logic for Boeing. Can you explain why the airport strike disrupted flights so quickly?
WITNESS (Marcus Bellweather): Well, when the airport strike occurred, it broke the collective illusion. We need people in the terminal believing in flight. If they stop believing, the planes get very heavy. We call it 'disbelief gravity.'
PROSECUTION: Are you telling this court that the physical laws of lift and drag are fake?
WITNESS: Oh, completely. Daniel Bernoulli made those equations up because he was afraid of heights. We just bolt giant fans to the wings. The noise distracts the passengers from realizing they are in a metal tube dropping at 500 miles per hour.
The Wings Are Decorative
PROSECUTION: If lift is a myth, why do planes have wings?
WITNESS: To put the logos on, mostly. And to hold the fuel. If we did not have wings, the planes would look like giant hot dogs. Nobody wants to board a flying hot dog. The aesthetic of the Boeing 737 is purely psychological.
PROSECUTION: So the panic from the airport strike was not about runway damage?
WITNESS: Correct. The strike meant the airport espresso machines went down. Without caffeine, the air traffic controllers could not project the mental energy required to keep the planes suspended in the sky. Once the espresso stopped, physics resumed. And physics is terrifying.
