WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate product recall for Stairway to Heaven on Tuesday morning. The agency acted after Led Zeppelin licensed the 1971 track to a new Narnia film trailer. Officials designated the song a Class I biohazard. They warned that exposure could cause severe air-guitar injuries in adults aged 45 to 65.
Hazard Overview and Affected Units
The recall affects all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and physical sheet music sold since 1971. Federal inspectors determined the song became unstable once detached from classic rock radio. "The structural integrity of the track relies on severe scarcity," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "Once you put Stairway to Heaven in a fantasy movie trailer, the whole mythos collapses into dust."
Consumers reported immediate side effects upon hearing the sync placement. Symptoms include sudden urges to buy sword replicas. Others reported involuntary, bad fluting noises in public spaces. Regulators urged all citizens to cease listening to Stairway to Heaven immediately. Audiences should store their physical copies in lead-lined sleeves.
Remedy and Consumer Action
"We are working closely with Warner Music Group to pull the audio," said CPSC spokesperson Arthur Vance. "If you encounter Stairway to Heaven in a theater, do not panic. Place your hands over your ears. Walk slowly toward the exit."
The band has agreed to provide a full refund to anyone who purchased the song under the impression it would never appear in a CGI lion movie. At press time, inspectors quarantined thousands of local guitar store employees who attempted to play the opening riff simultaneously.
