TO: All Flight Crew Members
FROM: Corporate Efficiency Taskforce
DATE: October 14, 2026
RE: Urgent Implementation of Manual Turbine Propulsion
ATLANTA—As you know, Delta Air Lines recently reported a major earnings miss. Surging fuel costs have decimated our quarterly guidance. To combat this crisis, we require all active pilots to blow harder into the engines. This policy takes effect immediately. We must reduce our reliance on expensive jet fuel.
Maximum Lung Power Required
"We expect our flight crews to step up," said Brenda Snort, Executive Vice President of Manual Thrust at Delta. "A standard jet engine requires massive airflow. We believe human lungs can replicate this process. Pilots must lean out of the cockpit window. They will blow directly into the turbine blades during takeoff."
Co-pilots will assist by blowing into the secondary intake valves. Flight attendants will blow into the cabin vents to maintain pressurization. The airline has suspended all beverage services to prevent dry mouth. Crew members will receive one complimentary cup of lukewarm water per flight.
Federal Guidelines And Straws
We are currently negotiating with the Federal Aviation Administration regarding these safety changes. Early trials show promising results. One Boeing 737 successfully taxied three feet using only the lung power of a highly motivated first officer.
"I am currently feeling very lightheaded," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Our data shows that blowing into a jet turbine mostly just results in immediate dental loss. However, Delta Air Lines seems highly committed to saving twelve dollars per flight."
Please note that anyone caught hyperventilating on company time will face immediate termination. We must keep our share price high. Thank you for helping us breeze through this financial headwind.
