WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a nationwide recall today for the new Big Thief triple album titled "Horsepower" due to severe risks of emotional drowsiness. Regulators flagged the 36-track acoustic release after concertgoers at Nashville's Ryman Auditorium experienced sudden, involuntary urges to stare at rain. The federal agency urges all consumers to immediately stop listening to the Big Thief triple album to prevent unexpected outbreaks of wistful sighing.
Hazard and Affected Units
The recall affects all digital streams, physical vinyl pressings, and live performances of "Horsepower" recorded during the band's recent Nashville residency. "We found dangerous levels of intimacy in the mid-range frequencies," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Testing shows that Adrianne Lenker's whispered vocals can lower a listener's heart rate to that of a hibernating field mouse. This poses a direct threat to anyone operating heavy machinery or trying to pay attention to their actual life."
So far, the agency has received 412 reports of listeners becoming fused to their flannel shirts. Another 80 citizens reported wandering into misty fields with no memory of how they arrived. The Big Thief triple album contains over three hours of unreleased material. Analysts warn that no human nervous system can process that many acoustic guitar slides in one sitting.
Remedy and Refund Information
To mitigate the hazard, regulators demand that 4AD Records issue immediate refunds. Alternatively, consumers can exchange the album for a high-decibel heavy metal track to jumpstart their central nervous system. "We are cooperating fully with federal guidelines," stated Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "We are currently distributing emergency shot glasses of espresso to anyone who sat through the three-hour Ryman performance. We advise survivors to avoid looking at antique rocking chairs for at least forty-eight hours."
Consumers can identify affected units of the Big Thief triple album by checking the tracklist for songs that sound like they were recorded inside a hollowed-out oak tree. At press time, the band was reportedly planning to bypass the recall by releasing a quadruple companion album recorded entirely on a single broken autoharp.
