WASHINGTON—A federal antitrust court erupted on Tuesday as attorneys entered medical records into evidence showing how touring caused Billy Joel brain damage. The class-action lawsuit against Live Nation Entertainment alleges that modern concert schedules physically deteriorate legacy acts. Under oath, industry experts admitted that the grueling stadium loops are designed to extract maximum revenue even at the cost of cognitive function. The Piano Man himself recently detailed his struggle with normal pressure hydrocephalus, which he directly links to performing.
The Honorable Judge Arthur Pendelton presiding.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena.
Q: Dr. Mbeki-Ransome, you reviewed the medical files regarding the alleged Billy Joel brain damage. What did you find?
A: We found that playing the piano intro to 'Angry Young Man' seventy nights a year creates a literal vacuum inside the skull. The sound waves from seventy thousand screaming baby boomers bounced off the stadium concrete. It turned his cerebral spinal fluid into a warm, carbonated foam.
Q: And the promoters knew about this risk?
A: Of course they did. We all did. But the dynamic pricing algorithms do not care about cranial pressure. We realized we could charge double for tickets if the artist looked slightly disoriented on the Jumbotron.
Q: Are you saying the live music industry thrives on this physical decline?
A: Yes. It is the ultimate FOMO. Fans buy tickets because they think it might be the artist's final tour. If we do not actively cause Billy Joel brain damage, the urgency of the ticket market collapses. We tried the same thing with his Madison Square Garden residency, but the venue's structural vibrations actually began to calcify his temporal lobe.
Q: Who else is complicit in this system?
A: Everyone. The merch manufacturers, the parking lot attendants, the light designers. We designed the LED rigs specifically to scramble memory retention. If the artist remembers how much money they made the night before, they ask for a higher cut. It is safer for the shareholders if the talent forgets where they parked their tour bus.
At press time, Live Nation attorneys successfully argued that cognitive decline actually enhances the authentic acoustic experience of a stadium rock show.
