FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
BIRMINGHAM—Legendary heavy metal pioneers Black Sabbath today announced the permanent cancellation of their final studio album. The band cited the extreme, vibrating enthusiasm of producer Andrew Watt as the primary reason. Guitarist Tony Iommi confirmed he halted the highly anticipated project because a Black Sabbath reunion requires a mood of ancient, damp decay. Watt simply possessed too much bounce.
The Energy Was Too High
The legendary riff-maker expressed deep discomfort with the Grammy-winning producer's modern work ethic. Watt previously worked with Ozzy Osbourne before the singer's passing. However, Iommi found Watt's active lifestyle and bright teeth highly suspicious. The guitarist preferred the traditional doom metal recording process. This process usually involves staring at a wet stone wall for six weeks in silence.
"Andrew entered the room smiling," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "He offered Tony a green juice. He asked the band to 'bring the energy.' You do not ask the creators of heavy metal to bring energy. They bring heavy, crushing weight. The Black Sabbath reunion died the moment Watt clapped his hands together and said 'let's make some magic.'"
Corporate Synergy Achieved
Music executives expressed immense satisfaction with the aborted project. They praised the non-existent album's incredible synergy. "We are thrilled to not release this record," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "The lack of a final Black Sabbath reunion album perfectly fits our Q4 strategy. It creates a massive void. Doom metal fans love voids. It is a win-win for our brand engagement."
ABOUT BLACK SABBATH: Established in 1968, Black Sabbath is a legacy intellectual property. It is owned by several holding companies. The brand once stood for counter-culture rebellion. It now specializes in licensing gothic fonts to fast-fashion retailers. We do not make music anymore. Please stop asking.
