WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced an immediate recall today of the newly released Black Sabbath witch AI album. Federal regulators issued the safety notice after receiving numerous complaints of localized crop failure. The avant-garde rock opera apparently carries a high risk of summoning low-hanging fog indoors.
Hazard Level: Severe
The affected units include all digital streams and physical copies of the project. Government inspectors traced the issue to the album's generative algorithms. These algorithms apparently combined 1970s heavy metal frequencies with modern machine learning. "We detected trace elements of actual 17th-century black magic in the WAV files," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. Flense warned that the Black Sabbath witch AI album could also cause nearby milk to sour instantly.
Consumers should immediately stop listening to the Black Sabbath witch AI album. Reports indicate that playing the record backwards causes household smart devices to speak in Aramaic. The hazard specifically affects listeners living near historical execution sites or abandoned mills.
Remedy and Compensation
"We are asking all streaming platforms to quarantine the files immediately," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. Vantablack noted that even 15-second clips have caused houseplants to wither. Affected consumers may submit a claim online to receive a non-haunted acoustic replacement MP3.
At press time, federal agents were attempting to contain a digital cloud of locusts emerging from an open Spotify tab.
