OCALA, FL—The Florida metalcore giants in Wage War recently announced their heavy new LP, forcing the entire active rock community to update their workout routines. The upcoming Wage War Landfall album promises heavier breakdowns and much more aggressive tempo shifts. However, early listeners report that the record comes with an official, legally binding list of physical requirements. Gyms across the country are already scrambling to adapt to the band's intense new sonic demands.
1. Mandatory 500-Pound Deadlift During the Title Track
Listeners must timing their heaviest lifts to the exact millisecond the breakdown hits. "We will monitor your local gym's Bluetooth speakers," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. "If you do not pull at least five plates during the title track, the Spotify app will automatically delete your account."
2. No Wipe-Downs on the Squat Rack
The band insists that sweat builds character and enhances the overall acoustic resonance of the Wage War Landfall album. Leaving a puddle of DNA on the vinyl bench press is now considered proper etiquette. Gym staff who attempt to sanitize the equipment during the bridge will receive a swift kick to the sternum.
3. Crying is Now a Pre-Workout Supplement
Wage War blended emotional vulnerability with crushing riffs on this record. Listeners must sob openly into their shaker cups before the second verse. If your tears do not dilute your pre-workout powder by at least ten percent, you are not truly experiencing the Wage War Landfall album.
4. Eye Contact with Strangers Must Last 45 Seconds
To foster community, the band requires intense, unblinking eye contact across the dumbbell rack. You must stare down a stranger while the double-bass drum rolls. If anyone looks away first, both parties must immediately do fifty burpees.
5. The Sauna Must Be Calibrated to Actual Hell
The band demands that saunas reach a minimum temperature of 250 degrees Fahrenheit. Listeners must sit inside while wearing full winter parkas and heavy-duty combat boots. This simulates the exact humidity of a mid-August metalcore festival in Jacksonville.
6. You Must Bench Press the Front Desk Clerk
At press time, fans who cannot successfully lift the 19-year-old planet fitness employee working the morning shift will be denied entry to the upcoming Wage War North American tour.
