TO: All Regional Department Leads
FROM: Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Corporate Harmony
RE: The Brain Tourniquet concept album and office safety
We have detected a sharp drop in office civility this week. Our internal audio monitoring software identified the source. Several data analysts played the new Brain Tourniquet concept album, titled Sinking Deeper Into Madness, without headphones. This abrasive Washington, D.C. hardcore music violates our company wellness guidelines.
Immediate Headphone Audits
"The sonic frequency of this band bypasses standard spreadsheet focus," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "We tracked three employees who listened to the Brain Tourniquet concept album. Within four minutes, they threw their ergonomic chairs into the breakroom drywall. This is not the productive synergy we foster."
We require all managers to inspect desk setups immediately. Check for open-back headphones. Anyone streaming the Brain Tourniquet concept album must do so at a volume that does not agitate nearby account executives. The screeching feedback is ruining our weekly guided meditation sessions.
Sinking Deeper Into HR Violations
"I thought my team was just typing very fast," said Brenda Garp, Regional Sales Director. "But they were actually drumming along to blast beats on their desks. The sheer hostility of this release has compromised our Q3 deliverables."
Please remind your staff that we do not permit mosh pits in the corridor. We designed the open-plan office for collaboration, not circle pits. Anyone found shouting lyrics about societal decay during Zoom calls will lose their Friday remote privileges.
Sincerely,
Marcus Bellweather
Corporate Harmony Division
(Dictated but not read. If we do not weaponize this raw, aggressive energy to crush our competitors by Friday, we will all be replaced by algorithms anyway. Keep the volume up in the server room.)
