LOS ANGELES—The Southern California suburbs face a major threat today as local hardcore-pop-punk outfit Cosmic Joke announced their sophomore album, Suburban Decay. The 12-track record threatens to disrupt property values across the region with its fast tempo. Local authorities have already issued preemptive noise complaints. Homeowners associations across Orange County held emergency meetings to discuss the sonic implications of the band's new single, "No Threat."
Property Values in Jeopardy
Neighborhoods known for manicured lawns now fear the band's melodic '80s-inspired riffs. "We cannot allow this kind of fast, snotty music in our cul-de-sacs," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "The basslines are simply too bouncy for a gated community. We prefer our decay quiet and financial, not loud and punk. This new record, Suburban Decay, threatens our peaceful way of life."
The band previously gained notoriety for their snotty debut LP and a wildfire benefit EP. However, real estate agents warn that the high-energy tracks on Suburban Decay will lower home appraisal values. They claim the 12-track album acts as a magnet for skateboarding teenagers and unauthorized graffiti.
The Threat of No Threat
"We measured the decibels of 'No Threat' and it violated our quiet-hours policy by three minutes," said Clara Sterling, president of the Whispering Pines Homeowners Association. "Our residents do not want to bop around joyfully or angrily. They want to power-wash their driveways in absolute silence. We are currently drafting a cease-and-desist letter to prevent the album's November release."
At press time, the association was seen measuring a lawn that had grown precisely three-quarters of an inch during the song's breakdown.
