WASHINGTON—A House Subcommittee on Civic Architecture launched an emergency probe today into the newly announced Turnstile benefit show, fears rising that hardcore dancing could compromise the structural integrity of the Washington Monument. A leaked court transcript from the congressional hearing reveals lawmakers grilling live music executives about the tectonic risks of the upcoming DC performance.
CONGRESSMAN ALBERT GRANGER: Mr. Bellweather, you oversee playlist emotional intelligence. Do you believe this Turnstile benefit show poses a threat to our nation's obelisk?
MARCUS BELLWEATHER: Sir, our data shows that when the riff from 'Blackout' hits, local gravity temporarily decreases by 40 percent. The kids will jump. The monument will sway.
CONGRESSMAN GRANGER: So you admit the Turnstile benefit show is a seismic hazard?
MARCUS BELLWEATHER: I am saying the entire live music industry relies on structural instability. We purposely build festival stages on swamp land to maximize bounce. Insomniac Events has been drilling into the San Andreas fault for years to sync bass drops with actual earthquakes.
CONGRESSMAN GRANGER: Dear God. Is the band Turnstile aware that their humanitarian efforts might level the Capitol dome?
MARCUS BELLWEATHER: Hardcore bands do not recognize federal building codes, Congressman. At press time, the subcommittee was drafting a bill to legally reclassify stage diving as domestic aviation.
