TO: All Mid-Level VP Outreach Coordinators
FROM: Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Safety Concerns Regarding the New Bruise Bath Song
It has come to my attention that several regional managers recently added the new Bruise Bath song, “Non-Consensual Intervention,” to our mandatory Monday morning team-building playlist. This was a catastrophic mistake. We must clarify immediately that this Philly post-metal track is not an approved corporate training module. Our legal department is currently swamped with complaints from employees who took the lyrics literally.
Misinterpreted Guttural Wails
Our staff must understand that when the band screams “How am I supposed to live?!” over a gnarly, bass-forward churn, they are not criticizing our new hybrid work-from-home policy. They are simply expressing raw, discordant post-metal angst. This is a common creative choice in post-metal music. It does not violate Section 4 of the employee handbook. Please instruct your teams to stop filing formal grievances against the band.
We initially believed the Bruise Bath song was an HR-mandated conflict resolution seminar. The spoken-word intro about invading America led several junior associates to believe we were planning a hostile takeover of our Toronto office. It is vital that we distinguish between artistic expression and actual corporate policy.
Cease and Desist Instructions
We are issuing a company-wide ban on this track during work hours. “We cannot have staff bathing in bruises, metaphorically or otherwise, during Q4,” said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. “We need our workforce focused on productivity, not the terrifying lo-fi horrors of Philly DIY bands.”
If you have already listened to the Bruise Bath song on company time, please sign the attached waiver confirming that you did not feel personally intervened upon. We must protect our quarterly margins from the fallout of this heavy riffage.
Sincerely,
Gordon Flense
Dictated but not read. If we don't settle this by Friday, the board will realize we spent our entire mental health budget on Spotify Premium.
