LOS ANGELES—California officials confirmed Tuesday they are actively preparing for the notion of a drone strike on California. Governor Gavin Newsom’s office unveiled a comprehensive “Cognitive Resilience Initiative.” The initiative focuses on the state’s collective mental readiness. No actual threat exists, according to multiple government agencies. The FBI recently circulated an intelligence bulletin. It referenced an Iranian aspiration to attack California with drones. Governor Newsom quickly downplayed any “imminent threat.” However, state leaders decided to tackle the idea of a threat head-on.
The “Thought Bubble” Defense System
The new plan includes mandatory daily “threat visualization” exercises. Residents will dedicate five minutes each morning to imagining drone scenarios. They will then immediately dismiss these scenarios. “The possibility of a hypothetical drone strike on California presents a unique opportunity,” stated Dr. Minerva P. Quibble, Chief of Theoretical Defenses for the California Office of Imaginary Threats. “We are training Californians to emotionally process an attack that isn’t happening. This builds unparalleled mental fortitude.” She pointed to a new interactive website, California’s Resilience Hub, and highlighted recent advances in drone technology.
Workplaces will implement “Positive Expectation Drills.” Employees will spend ten minutes discussing what they hope would happen in a non-existent drone attack. Popular scenarios include a surprise statewide picnic. Another involved a mass conversion to interpretive dance. Schools will replace fire drills with “Emotional Evacuation” exercises. Children will learn to calmly distance themselves from distressing thoughts.
Proactive Absence and Virtual Vigilance
State Senator Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Fiddle, Chair of the Senate Committee on Anticipatory Legislation, lauded the approach. “We are already seeing a significant uptick in conceptual resilience,” he added. “Our citizens are becoming adept at not worrying about things that aren’t real.” Senator Fiddle suggested future legislation. It would mandate ‘virtual sandbags’ around critical infrastructure. These would absorb digital shockwaves from non-existent explosions. The state allocated $75 million for the initiative. Most funds will go to consultants specializing in speculative anxiety management.
Late-night host Jimmy Kimmel notably addressed the notion of a drone strike on California on his show. He applauded the state’s “forward-thinking pre-emptive non-response.” Kimmel suggested a follow-up program. It would prepare for the idea of alien invasion. Officials confirmed they are considering it. They seek to prevent any future “conceptual unrest.”
At press time, a local squirrel was reportedly seen attempting to build a tiny, non-functional anti-drone system out of acorns and lint.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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