NEW YORK— The federal inquiry into monopolistic booking practices took a dark turn today during testimony regarding the recent Cassandra Wilson tribute concert. Attorneys pressed industry executives on why the legendary jazz singer was honored with a performance consisting entirely of computer-generated corporate folk music. The late Cassandra Wilson, who famously blended jazz with pop repertoire, became the central focus of the antitrust hearing as witnesses detailed a systematic plot to eradicate vocal improvisation from live venues.
PROCEEDINGS, U.S. DISTRICT COURT FOR THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK
Q: Mr. Flense, you oversaw the booking for the Cassandra Wilson tribute concert. Why did the lineup feature zero jazz vocalists?
A: Jazz is a liability, counselor. We needed a safe, predictable Cassandra Wilson tribute concert to satisfy our Q4 brand partners.
Q: So you replaced a MacArthur Fellow's catalog with acoustic covers of corporate jingles?
A: We prefer to call it 'streamlining the sonic asset.' Live singers demand monitors. They demand pitch correction. We wanted a seamless, human-free experience that honored her brand, not her actual music.
Q: Did you or did you not state in an email that 'the blues is bad for the quarterly margins'?
A: I did. If you let a singer hold a note too long, the listener has time to think about their student debt. That hurts click-through rates on our sponsored banner ads.
Q: Let the record show the witness is gesturing toward a Goldman Sachs analyst in the gallery.
A: Barnaby Quill told us it was the future! He said the modern listener wants jazz without the jazz. They want the aesthetic of Blue Note Records but with the soothing, non-threatening safety of a dental office lobby.
Q: So you systematically blacklisted every living jazz vocalist in Manhattan?
A: We didn't blacklist them. We just offered them alternative employment as data-labelers for our new algorithmic whistling software.
Q: At press time, the court ordered a recess after the witness accidentally uploaded his own consciousness to Spotify's 'Chill Lofi Beats' playlist.
